Sunday, September 25, 2005

regrets

you won't know until it's over. you won't realise until it's too late. truth be told, cliches always get to me.

i have got two more nights left over here. then, i will be flying off back to my homeland. only until a few hours ago, i was ever so happy and excited to get back. then i went on a last-minute souvenir shopping spree, and it hits me. although i loathe so much the incessant behaviour of the Egyptians, their over-expressive gestures and vocal pollution, their trigger-happy honking road etiquette (or lack of), their customer is almost-always-wrong service industry; i hate to say it, but i'm gonna miss this place.

at first, i thought that what held this place sane for me was the friends i made throughout my four years here. but when most of them flew back for their summer holiday (no one prefer African summer), i realise i can easily manage life here without them. i think that, to a certain extent, i had adapted evolved myself to live in a habitat which defies my natural instincts.

thus, all this while, while i quietly curse their daily interpersonal skills, i had unconciously created this barrier that to withstand the daily emotional battering. and maybe, this barrier became infused with my natural immune system, and became a healthy part of me. a part of which i can't live without.

crappy theory aside: i really am gonna miss this place. four years in the middle of nowhere, and you will get attached to it somehow. i should be so positively distracted from the negativity that surrounds this place in the first place. the fact i'm going back to a place where the system - though costly and rigid - assumes safety first, where you shouldnt expect the unexpected, nor the taxi ride will likely turn into a shouting match.

alas, emotion defies reason as assumption defies reality. the attachment will result in a vacuum. and yet again, i know that the next chapter of my life will undeniably distract me from the current overwheming emotion.

so, as this chapter of my life ends, another will begin. and as this chapter closes, then do i realise my past mistakes. i regret not going to the mosque to perform the five daily prayers. i regret not taking up classes from highly-regarded scholars over here. i regret not going to all the places i could.

and i regret that regrets always come too late. having said that, if i were to turn back time, there is a big chance i won't do what i regretted not doing.

hmm, human nature?

here's one from a different perspective:
27. If thou couldst but see when they are confronted with the Fire! They will say: "Would that we were but sent back! Then would we not reject the signs of our Lord, but would be amongst those who believe!"

28. Yea, in their own (eyes) will become manifest what before they concealed. But if they were returned, they would certainly relapse to the things they were forbidden, for they are indeed liars.

29. And they (sometimes) say: "There is nothing except our life on this earth, and never shall we be raised up again."

--Al-An'aam (6:27-29)

Sadaqallah Al-Azheem.


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